Ramblings

I had forgotten to post on Monday. It marked the end of the first year without my mom. I decided, at the last minute, to take the day off and drive back home to see the school where my mom worked and to have lunch with my dad. Our family is walking in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's fundraising walk in October and I thought it might help to give some fliers to my mom's old coworkers.

That place seriously drove my mom crazy. She was practically abused in her position and she worked way harder than she was ever going to get paid. Like Mother like Daughter, I suppose. She stayed for the kids, all those happy children who came through as sixth graders and left three years later. She was amazing, and luckily everyone knew it. Only no one at the school told her while she was still living. Why is that?

Funny when you're dead how people start listening. -The Band Perry

I can't believe it's already been a year, what a fast year it felt like. While it was happening it felt like every day drug on and on but when I look back, I can't believe it's already been a year. I spent a lot of time taking care of her and keeping in touch with her, knowing in the back of my head that this may not end well but still holding onto the idea of a miracle. We had to believe, right?

Ugh I thought about this post while I was in the shower tonight. I had such a clear vision of what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it, and now as I sit here in front of the computer I'm at a loss for words. Sure it doesn't look it, I've already typed up a storm, but there were specific things I wanted to say. Mostly that I found this on a friend's blog the other day and boy does it help explain how I'm feeling:

 

I'm so glad I look strong on the outside. I want to be a strong person and I feel like I've handled everything rather strongly. But honestly I constantly feel like I'm going to crumble. Like if Matt weren't standing I might fall down and never get back up. I know this feeling comes from grief and not from depression, it's just something I need to work through and I'm not really interested in finding someone to talk to. However, as the 1-year mark passed and mother's day approaches, I get increasingly more upset. Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch a thousand mothers days commercials just after your mom dies? I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

It doesn't seem to be much easier this year as I look at the mother's day cards that I bought for my own mom one year ago. I had bought a few because I couldn't decide which one I liked most. I even have a card that I bought several years ago, far before she was sick, and I must have forgotten where it was and bought a new one. 

I'm so very glad that I did everything I could before she passed away. I was with her every spare moment I had. I brought her things, kept her organized, and as soon as the doctors mentioned the idea of a transplant I immediately volunteered. I had no idea what it entailed but I was willing to risk anything to give my mom a fighting chance. 

I guess what I'm coming around to is I miss my mom.