The first year is hard. I had hoped that I would never have to experience it, but the first few months through the first year after you lose a loved one is definitely difficult. It’s when you have all of your “firsts”.
The first holiday.
The first really bad day at work.
The first illness.
All without your loved one. I lost my mom in May of 2011 and I’ve managed to make it through my dad’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and my brother’s birthday without her. I honestly don’t know how I did it, I feel like I’m totally falling apart inside. I’ve gotten very good at hiding my feelings at work, and sometimes even at home, but I’ve found myself crying in private almost nightly again. For obvious reasons, this happened a lot when we first lost her and then it slowly got a little better. I feel like January brought it all back and I don’t really know why.
Today is Valentine’s Day. Its not normally a day where you think about your mom, but I really thought about my dad. Just nine months ago, he lost his sweetheart. His soul mate. His wife. He didn’t get to buy a card for her today. Nor did he get to buy flowers and obnoxiously send them to her work so she could show them off. No candies, e-cards, or stuffed animals. My heart just breaks for him. This is one of those silly holidays where mom and I would normally send each other cards and this year I found myself so distracted that I didn’t get a card to my dad in time and I almost didn’t have one for my husband. I’m running as fast as I can because the moment I slow down, I start to fall apart.
Today kind of sucked.
And tomorrow is my birthday. My first birthday without my mom. She was always pretty quiet about it, but she made sure that the four of us (now five of us, counting Matt) got together for each of our birthdays to have a delicious dinner and a huge cake. In our quiet way, birthdays are a huge deal. This is something I plan to continue on with my future children, and it’s all because of my mom. Tomorrow I don’t get to thank her for my gift, for my lovely card that gushes about how much she loves me, or give her a hug for just being my mom. I always look forward to my birthday because of her, but I won’t get to show my appreciation tomorrow. I will make sure to do my secret signal and tell her how much I love her in the only way I know how… by whispering in a quiet room.
I miss you mom. Happy Valentine’s Day.
The first holiday.
The first really bad day at work.
The first illness.
All without your loved one. I lost my mom in May of 2011 and I’ve managed to make it through my dad’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and my brother’s birthday without her. I honestly don’t know how I did it, I feel like I’m totally falling apart inside. I’ve gotten very good at hiding my feelings at work, and sometimes even at home, but I’ve found myself crying in private almost nightly again. For obvious reasons, this happened a lot when we first lost her and then it slowly got a little better. I feel like January brought it all back and I don’t really know why.
Today is Valentine’s Day. Its not normally a day where you think about your mom, but I really thought about my dad. Just nine months ago, he lost his sweetheart. His soul mate. His wife. He didn’t get to buy a card for her today. Nor did he get to buy flowers and obnoxiously send them to her work so she could show them off. No candies, e-cards, or stuffed animals. My heart just breaks for him. This is one of those silly holidays where mom and I would normally send each other cards and this year I found myself so distracted that I didn’t get a card to my dad in time and I almost didn’t have one for my husband. I’m running as fast as I can because the moment I slow down, I start to fall apart.
Today kind of sucked.
And tomorrow is my birthday. My first birthday without my mom. She was always pretty quiet about it, but she made sure that the four of us (now five of us, counting Matt) got together for each of our birthdays to have a delicious dinner and a huge cake. In our quiet way, birthdays are a huge deal. This is something I plan to continue on with my future children, and it’s all because of my mom. Tomorrow I don’t get to thank her for my gift, for my lovely card that gushes about how much she loves me, or give her a hug for just being my mom. I always look forward to my birthday because of her, but I won’t get to show my appreciation tomorrow. I will make sure to do my secret signal and tell her how much I love her in the only way I know how… by whispering in a quiet room.
I miss you mom. Happy Valentine’s Day.
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