Ramblings

I had forgotten to post on Monday. It marked the end of the first year without my mom. I decided, at the last minute, to take the day off and drive back home to see the school where my mom worked and to have lunch with my dad. Our family is walking in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's fundraising walk in October and I thought it might help to give some fliers to my mom's old coworkers.

That place seriously drove my mom crazy. She was practically abused in her position and she worked way harder than she was ever going to get paid. Like Mother like Daughter, I suppose. She stayed for the kids, all those happy children who came through as sixth graders and left three years later. She was amazing, and luckily everyone knew it. Only no one at the school told her while she was still living. Why is that?

Funny when you're dead how people start listening. -The Band Perry

I can't believe it's already been a year, what a fast year it felt like. While it was happening it felt like every day drug on and on but when I look back, I can't believe it's already been a year. I spent a lot of time taking care of her and keeping in touch with her, knowing in the back of my head that this may not end well but still holding onto the idea of a miracle. We had to believe, right?

Ugh I thought about this post while I was in the shower tonight. I had such a clear vision of what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it, and now as I sit here in front of the computer I'm at a loss for words. Sure it doesn't look it, I've already typed up a storm, but there were specific things I wanted to say. Mostly that I found this on a friend's blog the other day and boy does it help explain how I'm feeling:

 

I'm so glad I look strong on the outside. I want to be a strong person and I feel like I've handled everything rather strongly. But honestly I constantly feel like I'm going to crumble. Like if Matt weren't standing I might fall down and never get back up. I know this feeling comes from grief and not from depression, it's just something I need to work through and I'm not really interested in finding someone to talk to. However, as the 1-year mark passed and mother's day approaches, I get increasingly more upset. Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch a thousand mothers days commercials just after your mom dies? I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

It doesn't seem to be much easier this year as I look at the mother's day cards that I bought for my own mom one year ago. I had bought a few because I couldn't decide which one I liked most. I even have a card that I bought several years ago, far before she was sick, and I must have forgotten where it was and bought a new one. 

I'm so very glad that I did everything I could before she passed away. I was with her every spare moment I had. I brought her things, kept her organized, and as soon as the doctors mentioned the idea of a transplant I immediately volunteered. I had no idea what it entailed but I was willing to risk anything to give my mom a fighting chance. 

I guess what I'm coming around to is I miss my mom.

Unoriginal post :)

The things that are bolded are things I have done :)

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (I used to play with my Grandpa’s Polka Band on Friday nights!)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Have Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Have Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

What have you done? What do we have in common?

Firsts

The first year is hard. I had hoped that I would never have to experience it, but the first few months through the first year after you lose a loved one is definitely difficult. It’s when you have all of your “firsts”.

The first holiday.

The first really bad day at work.

The first illness.

All without your loved one. I lost my mom in May of 2011 and I’ve managed to make it through my dad’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and my brother’s birthday without her. I honestly don’t know how I did it, I feel like I’m totally falling apart inside. I’ve gotten very good at hiding my feelings at work, and sometimes even at home, but I’ve found myself crying in private almost nightly again. For obvious reasons, this happened a lot when we first lost her and then it slowly got a little better. I feel like January brought it all back and I don’t really know why.

Today is Valentine’s Day. Its not normally a day where you think about your mom, but I really thought about my dad. Just nine months ago, he lost his sweetheart. His soul mate. His wife. He didn’t get to buy a card for her today. Nor did he get to buy flowers and obnoxiously send them to her work so she could show them off. No candies, e-cards, or stuffed animals. My heart just breaks for him. This is one of those silly holidays where mom and I would normally send each other cards and this year I found myself so distracted that I didn’t get a card to my dad in time and I almost didn’t have one for my husband. I’m running as fast as I can because the moment I slow down, I start to fall apart.

Today kind of sucked.

And tomorrow is my birthday. My first birthday without my mom. She was always pretty quiet about it, but she made sure that the four of us (now five of us, counting Matt) got together for each of our birthdays to have a delicious dinner and a huge cake. In our quiet way, birthdays are a huge deal. This is something I plan to continue on with my future children, and it’s all because of my mom. Tomorrow I don’t get to thank her for my gift, for my lovely card that gushes about how much she loves me, or give her a hug for just being my mom. I always look forward to my birthday because of her, but I won’t get to show my appreciation tomorrow. I will make sure to do my secret signal and tell her how much I love her in the only way I know how… by whispering in a quiet room.

I miss you mom. Happy Valentine’s Day.